I think my dedication to my blog sometimes directly correlates to my mental clarity. I've been having one heck of a month. Well not that it's been overly bad but I don't think i'm doing great. Actually i've found whenever I say out loud 'i'm doing ok' then I promptly get hit my an emotional truck.
We had big plans for IVF this year. We made choices we still think were the right thing to do but it meant IVF would then be in the second half of the year. That was hard but felt like the right thing to do. Now as the time we planned to start it draws closer, it's looking less like it can happen.
The cycle I thought would cost us $3500 out of pocket, is actually just ONE section of the fees. It's more like $6000 out of pocket. I'm not complaining as I know in other countries it's much more expensive or for some people, it's not even a viable option. It's just hard when you know the barrier is money.
It makes me question where every dollar we spend goes. I really wanted to get some plants for inside our house. I budgeted for it. Then at the last minute I decided I should put that money towards IVF instead because I obviously want a baby more. $100 doesn't make much of a difference to the total, but being $100 short of that total does.
I've really struggled talking about it. The only person who has really heard how i'm feeling is Tom (I feel like I go on about it non-stop to him). I even struggled to talk about it with my sisters this passed weekend we were together because I didn't think I could do it without breaking down.
Honestly, I'm also terrified if we were able to do it. I'm scared of the pain, of the emotions, of it not working. I don't want to do it. I want my body to work.
So we have a choice and it's hard. We really don't have the money but if we decided we had to do it, I think we maybe could get access to the money somehow. It all just keeps running around and around in my head.
* We only have the next two cycles possible for IVF, otherwise we have to wait until January.
* We are better financially to wait until January.
* I've been seeing a great naturopath. I know the changes I've made have worked for others so they can work for me but I think it needs more time to give it a chance to work.
* I'm terrified of facing another Christmas without the prospect of a baby soon (i.e. already being pregnant). Last year was SO hard. It wasn't a time of joy. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year and it hurts more than it makes me happy now.
* I'm scared of getting another period. It sounds silly. But not only is it heart breaking emotionally but last month was so painful I could barely breathe. I had to try and psyche myself into it and focus on breathing.
* I'm almost as scared of the IVF process as I am about facing another Christmas.
So, that's where I'm at. That's why I've been silent. It's scary and hard to say it out loud.
On the upside, I made pancakes for dinner tonight and they might be the best gluten free pancakes ever. I'll post the recipe soon x