Do you ever have times when you feel like the whole world is screaming a message at you? I think I might be in the middle of one of those. Right when hopes for a baby have continued to fail and I just want to give up. That I need to open my eyes and see what's really around me. To not be ignorant.
I've felt like a failure and that I should give up. Yes it will happen one day, but why not stop making my whole life about it. I've said that before but have obviously not done so well at it. I'm also doing the job that said I didn't want to do and is so busy and pretty stressful but I think it might be a good distraction - I don't have any spare time during work hours to be feeling sorry for myself.
I work at a human rights organisation and often need to read tragic accounts of human rights abuses occurring all over the world. It's heart breaking and hard to deal with sometimes. It always makes me grateful for the life I have and the safety I enjoy in Australia.
Last week I had the opportunity to spend a few hours with a 16 year old young man who has been through circumstances I could never understand. He was orphaned at the age of 12 and took a perilous journey to safety from Afghanistan. He spent years in detention in Australia (don't even get me started about that) and is now finally able to start a safe new life here. He goes to school with excellent attendance and is at the top of his class. This young man has no family, yet is grateful for the life he has and all he wants to do is work hard to do the best he can here.
Today I sat at my desk and read the stories of women, men and children in Syria who are dying because their government and the international community is failing to do anything to protect them. Mothers, using themselves as shields to try and save their babies from the bombs that are dropping around their houses. I cried and cried.
My heart aches for what I don't have, yet compared to others I have so much. I'm feeling like it's ok to take a break to feel like a normal person for a while and to put my heart into enjoying the life I have now. Because despite the heartache I feel for every month that passes by without having a baby, my life is amazing and I am so lucky.
" I testify that bad bays come to an end, that faith always triumphs,
and that heavenly promises are always kept "