I've thought about writing this post several times over the last couple of weeks. How to communicate the way I feel - sometimes putting your emotions into words is really hard.
I think this is compounded because sometimes it's easier to push the emotions of infertility down. Deep down, way past your toes. Where no-one can see your torn heart or your eyes that are so tired from looking for a silver lining.
We've reached another stage in our 'journey' to become parents. (Can I just say I hate how everything is a ' journey' these days - my blogging journey, my weight loss journey .... journey is now banned on this blog!). We went back to the specialist and those three little letters i've been so scared of were discussed - at length.
I. V. F
Now at the moment (a la naturale), we have about 5% chance of conceiving each month. That's pretty dang low! I'm grateful there is any chance, but it's still hard thinking the chance is SO slim. If we do an IVF cycle, our chances go up to 50-70% - No question right?
It's going to take a bit of time before we can actually start but that's where we are headed. Me, Tom and that those three letters are going to make us a baby (or at least have a 50% chance of doing so). As anyone who has heard anything about IVF knows it's super expensive so if everything goes according to plan we will only be able to do one cycle this year. Hopefully we only need one but there's no guarantees.
I'm scared about it all but excited too. I think it's worth being really excited about our chances going up from 5% to over 50%. I've allowed myself to be scared until we have an appointment to go through all the details with our nurse. Then this is a positive-only-zone. I might not succeed but thinking about it negatively won't help at all. The pain, the symptoms, the worry.
So please don't tell me any horror stories, or that your cousins-friends-sisters-aunty got pregnant the cycle before IVF. I really hope we don't need to do it, but if we don't that's ok. I feel so blessed that because of the miracles of modern science we have these treatments available to us. Yes we might not be able to do it for a little while (money is poo) and only get one try for this year, but the fact it's available at all is amazing.
Wish us luck x