This post on Sunday was scary for me. After I hit that publish button I felt like I was standing in the middle of the street naked - nothing to shield myself from the world. When I described it to Tom he proceeded to make jokes about being naked (boys). I debated over and over in my head if I should keep the post up or not. I messaged a really (awesome and insanely talented) friend and said that I was basically freaking out and I was giving it until the morning and seeing if I felt ok about keeping it up. Not checking my email, she had already commented on it in support.
My favourite blogger lays it all out on the line, opens her heart and that's where she writes from. That's where I try to write from and I really felt like this is what I did that day. She's the main reason I had the courage to hit that publish button. So I did what anyone does these days and tweeted her.
Then I went off to bed, anxious and nervous. I think I was more nervous that I would pour my heart out and I wouldn't hear a thing. Not one message of support or that anyone even read it. As a writer, whatever type of writer I am, or just my imagination of being a writer, only when people read your words does it feel like you are validated. That the time you spent or the heart you've put on display are worth it.
All night I dreamt. I had horrible scary dreams about snakes. I'm not sure why but I looked it up after (a story for another time). I checked my phone and saw this:
My favourite blogger had tweeted me back and re-tweeted my post. The thing which meant the most was that she read my post and knew how I felt oh so well. I think it's an amazing thing when you find someone who shares your feelings because it's easy to feel alone in our fears and pain (whatever they may be, related to infertility or not). I didn't feel scared about the post any more. It was out there and I felt supported. I felt braver. I had shared my heart and been honest. Being honest about my life has been my goal ever since I started blogging while I slowly watched my dad slip away from us because of cancer.
Today, while on my lunch break i decided to have a little look at my blog. I couldn't remember if I'd half-written any posts. I saw all these referrals to my blog from Deseret News and was a bit confused as to why. I followed the link and I saw this:
My blog. The scariest, hardest thing i've ever published was featured on the Deseret News 'Bloggernacle' page. I sat at my desk and started to cry at the editors comments "It's powerful in it's honesty. Please read". That was being said about what I wrote. About the feelings of my heart.
I don't even know what to say except i'm grateful for all the love & support I've received from that post and all the others about infertility. I write in the moment. Sometimes are hard, sometimes are good. I have a good life, a very happy one. I know that God doesn't test us any more than we can handle and I know we are are in His hands. I know that when i'm at my lowest, He never leaves me and helps me put one foot in front of the other and keep and walking. And there's no-one I'd rather be walking beside than the husband He has blessed me with beyond all measure.