So last week I wrote about a new blog I found. An amazing story of positivity and peace during infertility. How much I wished I felt like that but I just couldn't. I even wrote an email to this blogger saying thanks for sharing her story (as infertility is a really intensely emotional and personal struggle) and despite having thousands of followers and surely getting a million emails, she wrote me back. It was a nice, supportive and hopeful email.
But I felt guilty. With each blog post I read, as I read each line of her email, I felt like I was failing at infertility. First of all, I can't perform this function that somewhat defines us as women and I get this label of infertile. Then, I can't overcome the despair and heartbreak infertility brings and get past it and be ok with it. I felt like if maybe I was more like her then i'd get pregnant. Or it makes me a bad wife. a bad woman. Now this is no way a reflection on this blogger. I think she is awesome and amazing and I hope I can feel that way one day.
But if I don't it's ok. Even if I never feel that way, positive about infertility. Because even if we never were able to have a baby I think it's ok for me to mourn that. Just like the heart of a parent who lost a child never completely heals, there would always be a place in my heart that hurt for the baby we didn't have and I loved. Because I do already love that baby, wherever you are, I already love you more than you will ever know. I pray so desperately for you each day and I carry you in my heart everywhere I go.
After a long week, I can finally say i'm glad I could see a different perspective on infertility. One i haven't really seen anywhere before. It's not the one I have right now and it's ok. I have pain. A deep pain it's really hard to describe unless you've felt it yourself. It cuts so deep within your heart sometimes it catches my breath in my chest and only a quiet prayer to my Father in Heaven carries me through it. Because in that moment I can't carry myself.
It's my pain and {most of the time} I can work through it, accept it and one day hopefully be thankful for it making me a better mother and a better wife. I'm not her but it's ok. I'm ok with that.