I feel like a failure.
Imagine if you will your body wasn't performing it's basic functions. Your body needs food, that is what your digestive system was made for right? But when you try to use it, it doesn't work. Your food just doesn't digest. That's how I feel (but my digestion is fine, in case you were worried!). I think it was summed up best in a post written by one of my favourite bloggers - Natalie of Nat The Fat Rat.
"There is a certain kind of sting in the failure of the body to perform what for most species is its most basic function. While it has never bothered me that I can't really do long division, or that I don't know how to sail, or that I can't do the splits, this failure to conceive somehow cut me so low, made me doubt myself so much, and I just felt completely lost, humiliated, and heartbroken. Horribly, horribly heartbroken."
It's like Nat leapt into my heart and took the words right out. I hate this feeling. Every single piece of it. Wasn't this what my body was made to do? To have babies? I'm tired of people saying "Just relax", "it'll happen when you stop thinking about it", "just do 'it' all the time". Seriously, I know how babies are made, that department is covered.
Ever since I was 14, and I became aware of my divine nature as a women, I wanted to be a mum one day. I was so excited for the day when I would find someone that I loved enough to marry and then to have a baby with him. a little piece of me and him. Now I have the man, the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for - and even more. But my body isn't working. I'm not bitter or unhappy of anyone else as I know how happy I will be when it finally happens for us... but what is wrong with me? Why can't my body work the way it was meant to.
I've heard it all, and I know we will have a baby - one day. I just hate it right now. Each damn moment of it. I feel like i'm broken. Like the special functions that i'm blessed with as a woman are on pause right now. Can i get a refund on my body? or get a trade in on one that works?
And that's today's sombre thoughts on being barren... over.