We've gone on a long overseas holiday - well just over a month. I've been thinking how it probably doesn't make much sense to anyone to spend money on a overseas holiday and at the same period of time about struggling to afford one or more cycles of IVF in the near future.
One thing i've struggled the most with all this infertility crap is the feeling of powerlessness. I can't change our situation or help us have a baby sooner. I've done a lot to try and change how I feel - making myself happy now, baby or not. Learning to be proud of and love my body again.
In January, I was really struggling. It felt like I was in a deep, dark pit and no matter what I did I couldn't climb out of it. The more I climbed, the more the dark earth caved in on me. People I loved were looking at me, wanting to reach out and help me but there was nothing they could do to help.
At that time, we decided we needed to have something to look forward too - whether we were able to get pregnant or not. This alone was answer to a prayer. I'm sure no doubt because of the amazing people we have in our lives that I know pray for us.
For years we've wanted to take a big trip overseas together, just the two of us. We've put it off for years because we might get pregnant before then! So we booked tickets before we could change our minds. Now, i'm so glad I did. If we didn't, I know we would have cancelled the trip so we had the money for fertility treatment.
I can't express how glad I am that we'll have the memories of this trip to look back on as a special time we got to spend together. How it helped lift me out of a dark place that felt inescapable. That it helped me learn that when we feel like we are in a hopeless place, God hears our prayers. That i'm never alone. That we can be happy, no matter what our circumstances.