I'm done. I allowed myself to hope, to really really hope this last month and when it didn't happen again it broke me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I honestly thought it was our month. I didn't say it out loud but I was so positive. I was practically swimming in the positive energy.
We had plans. How we would tell our family. How we'd celebrate. Then I wasn't. My heart was broken. Again. I feel like i'm starting to lose my faith in it happening and don't want to pray for it anymore.
I can't take anymore. Well not right now anyway. I can't keep hoping and falling down like this each month. It's debilitating. If we could, i'd go straight back to the fertility specialist and get right into IVF, no more waiting. But we can't until later in the year so that's not even an option right now.
So i'm done. We're done. We aren't trying to have a baby anymore. No tests, no counting dates, no excitement over future babies. I'm turning it off, my emotions (i'm going vulcan). I know you can't just turn off your feelings but i'm going to do everything I can to distract myself. That means deleting the app that tracks ovulation, removing the facebook group i'm part of about infertility. Those little things that are reminders.
I'm not going to stop praying. I know at even my darkest, hardest times my Heavenly Father has always been there for me. But my prayers are changing. I'm going to pray for strength and help to distract myself and be happy until we can be blessed with a baby. Because I really need help to do that.
I don't know how well I will do, but today is a new day and the start of a new week, a new month, a new focus. We are going on a trip in a few months that we are really looking forward as well. Until that time, my focus is on getting healthier, being happy and enjoying all the fun we can have, losing weight and saving money (because somehow we have to afford the trip we bought flights for!).
I don't think i'll be perfect and I'll still have times that are hard... but I guess I felt like I needed to put out there how I feel and my plans to cope, so I can feel like I have the power to do it. I can't control when I can have a baby. But I can control how much I weigh, how much money I save and how healthy and happy I am.
So wish me luck... and happy Monday.